


Terrible Aquaman Fanfiction, Featuring Aquaman

by Nemesis_Adrasteia



Category: Code Geass, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Steven Universe (Cartoon), Super Friends, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Bad Flirting, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Crack Pairings, Drabbles, F/M, Hate Sex, M/M, Multiple Crossovers, Sibling Incest, Time Travel Shenanigans, video games - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21825169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nemesis_Adrasteia/pseuds/Nemesis_Adrasteia
Summary: An anthology of drabbles concerning Aquaman’s various ill-advised romantic and sexual liaisons.
Relationships: Arthur Curry/Everyone
Kudos: 2





	Terrible Aquaman Fanfiction, Featuring Aquaman

**Aquaman/Mera**

“KILL ALL SPACE INVADERS!” Aquaman screamed as he fired his laser cannon at the space invaders in the classic 1978 arcade game _Space Invaders_.

“Come to bed, dear,” Mera said seductively.

“I CAN’T! NOT UNTIL I’VE KILLED ALL THE SPACE INVADERS!”

Her patience having finally reached its end, Mera got out of bed and unplugged the _Space Invaders_ machine.

“Hey!” said Aquaman.

“You’ve been playing that stupid game all night and you still haven’t beat Batman’s high score. It’s not going to happen. GIVE UP.”

“But-!”

“ARTHUR.”

“Okay, you’re right. Gaming addiction is a serious societal problem.”

Then they fucked.

***

**Aquaman/Black Manta**

Aquaman gasped at the sight of a portrait of himself hanging on the wall of Black Manta’s evil lair.

“A portrait of me?! Do you keep it there under the pretense of constantly filling your heart with vengeance toward your nemesis when in reality it represents your latent homosexual desire?!”

“No, I use it as a dartboard,” said Black Manta.

“Oh. How disappointing,” Aquaman said disappointedly, only now noticing the tiny holes all over the portrait. His sadness lasted mere seconds before he asked, “Would you like to have hatesex anyway?”

“Yes, I would,” said Black Manta.

Then they hatefucked.

***

**Aquaman/General Zod**

“KNEEL BEFORE ZOD,” said Zod.

“We will never kneel before you!” said Superman, speaking on behalf of all the Super Friends.

“Actually, I might consider kneeling, but not in the way you’re probably thinking,” said Aquaman.

A bewildered expression manifested on Zod’s face. “Are you flirting with me?!”

“Yes,” said Aquaman. “I don’t usually go for bearded men, but I can make an exception for Terence Stamp. You were great in _The Adventures of Priscilla_.”

Superman put his face in his hand, exactly like Captain Picard in that one meme. You know, the facepalm meme.

“What the fuck,” said Zod.

***

**Aquaman/Green Lantern**

“So, are you doing anything later, or...?” asked Aquaman.

“I don’t date people who talk to fish,” said Green Lantern.

Just then, Aquaman’s hair spontaneously caught fire.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT, MY HAIR IS ON FIRE, WHAT THE FUCK,” he screamed as he ran around in circles.

“I wish I could help, but your hair is blonde and my ring doesn’t work on the colour yellow,” Green Lantern said, ignoring the bucket of water that was conveniently on the floor next to him.

“Hal, I know you must hear this a lot, but you are such a fucking asshole,” said Superman.

***

**Aquaman/Ocean Master**

“Did you know that in the comics we have the same father, unlike in the movies, where we have the same mother?” Aquaman said to Ocean Master, with whom he had just had sex.

“What’s your point?” asked Ocean Master.

“There’s no point, it’s just a fun bit of trivia,” said Aquaman.

“Are you sure you aren’t trying to make yourself feel less weird about all that incestuous sex we had? Because if that is the case, there are better ways to do it.”

“No, I told you, it’s just trivia. Jeez.”

“Good to know.”

Then they had sex again.

***

**Aquaman/Martha Wayne**

“I can’t believe you had an affair with Bruce’s mom!” said Wonder Woman.

“It was an accident!” said Aquaman. “You know how time travel is; there’s no way of knowing who might be the future mom of someone you know. Honestly, I’m relieved I didn’t accidentally have an affair with _my_ mom.”

“Why? You’ve already fucked your brother, you weirdo.”

“Shaddup.”

Wonder Woman rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I promise I won’t tell anyone about you and Martha.”

“WHAT?!?!?!?!” said Superman, who had just walked into the room.

“Not _your_ Martha. The _other_ Martha,” said Aquaman.

“Oh, thank god,” said Superman.

***

**Aquaman/Suzaku Kururugi**

“Has anyone ever told you that your limbs look like noodles?” asked Aquaman.

“Yes. It’s because I was designed by CLAMP,” said Suzaku.

“Noodles go well with seafood, you know,” Aquaman said sultrily.

“I suppose you are rather sexy for someone who talks to fish and wears orange with green, but I don’t think us hooking up is a good idea, what with you being married,” said Suzaku.

Aquaman waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry, my wife is okay with it. And your girlfriend Lelouch doesn’t have to know.”

“Don’t you mean my girlfriend Euphemia?”

“I know what I said.”

***

**Aquaman/Bella Swan, Part I**

“So what's the deal with this girl who’s been following you around lately?” asked Wonder Woman.

Aquaman winced. “I wish I knew. She keeps calling me Edward and begging me to bite her, and I have to save her life every couple of seconds because she’s always being attacked by roving gangs of hooligans and almost getting hit by vans and almost breaking her neck because she tripped over her own feet walking down the stairs. This is why I don’t date normies.”

“Edward? Where are you, my scintillating marble Adonis?”

“Oh shit, here she comes! Hide me!” Aquaman squawked.

***

**Aquaman/Bella Swan, Part II**

“Excuse me, have you seen my boyfriend, Edward?” Bella asked Wonder Woman. “He’s about this tall, with pale white skin that sparkles in the sunlight...”

Wonder Woman pointed to the shrubbery Aquaman was hiding behind.

“You don’t have to hide, Edward!” cried Bella. “The vampire authorities aren’t here to execute you for sparkling in public!”

“Some friend _you_ are, Diana!” Aquaman said angrily as he emerged from the shrubbery.

“Oh, Edward! I missed the sight of your effervescent skin!”

“You don’t want to be with me. I accidentally killed a goldfish once. THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!”

***

**Aquaman/Bizarro/Bizarro Lois**

“Bizarro not interested in a threesome,” said Bizarro.

“Right, so that means you _are_ interested in a threesome,” said Aquaman.

“No,” said Bizarro.

“Does that actually mean no?” asked Aquaman.

“Yes,” said Bizarro.

“So... no? Yes? Maybe?” Aquaman’s head was beginning to hurt.

“No,” said Bizarro Lois.

“Look, do you two want to have a threesome or not,” said Aquaman.

“Not,” Bizarro and Bizarro Lois said unenthusiastically, which meant that they were feeling very enthusiastic about the prospect of a threesome.

Aquaman, on the other hand, was now questioning why he’d agreed to hang out with this pair of lunatics.

***

**Aquaman/Mera/Malachite**

Steven kicked down the door of Aquaman’s undersea palace, where he and the other Crystal Gems had tracked Malachite to.

“Malachite! I’ve come to defeat you and rescue Lapis- wait what the heck is going on here?”

“OH MY GOODNESS, STEVEN, AVERT YOUR EYES!” Pearl shrieked.

Aquaman and Mera were sexily entangled in the many tentacles protruding from Malachite’s underside. Aquaman was wearing assless chaps, cowboy boots, and a cowboy hat, and Mera was wearing a French maid uniform.

“Haven’t you heard of KNOCKING?!” Aquaman ejaculated (figuratively).

“I swear, this isn’t what it looks like,” Lapis said from within Malachite.

***

**Aquaman/Aquaman**

“I know I’ve said that the only bearded man I’d ever have sex with is Terence Stamp as Zod, but DAMN, you sure are tempting me to change my mind about that,” said Super Friends Aquaman.

“You know I’m you from a parallel universe, right?” said DCEU Aquaman.

“So?”

“Isn’t that kind of like incest?”

“I once slept with my brother.”

“Oh my god.”

“Weren’t you in _Game of Thrones_? I’d think you’d be used to sibling-diddling.”

“You slept with your- _my_ \- OUR brother?!”

“Yes, that’s been established.”

“OH MY GOD!”

“Man, you make it sound like a bad thing.”

***

**Aquaman/Eren Yeager**

“KILL ALL TITANS!” Eren Yeager screamed as he flopped around on the floor like an angry fish.

“Come to bed, dear,” Aquaman said seductively.

“I CAN’T! NOT UNTIL I’VE KILLED ALL THE TITANS!”

Wait, why am I writing this? I haven’t even watched this anime. Fuck this, I’m outta here.


End file.
